points of origin; point one
Sir and many other men that I’ve spoken to about BDSM all, at one time, expressed envy that I grew up in the Internet age. No magazines or slow downloading times or text-based Internet for me. Any porn or erotica I wanted was just a click away. I think I was the nightmare of many parents, the latchkey kid with the Internet access who got up to no good. I think I was so horny and so unsatisfied with my boyfriend at the time that I’d consistently watch porn almost every other day during junior year.That’s the problem with growing up having all this knowledge of what you want. I went to a local BDSM social group last Tuesday, Sir-less. When I introduced myself as a college student and, when asked, showed them my collar, they were all impressed and a little jealous.
I was picking at my food and talking to two older couples. Sir had suggested I stick with couples so I wouldn’t feel creeped out being there alone. One couple in their 50s, whose wife had just been collared, made it known that she was envious. “God, if I had known when I was your age, what you know now, I would have made very different life choices. You’re so lucky.” She smiled at me, a little sadly.
What I feel like they don’t see, is that it DOES cause some problems. Mainly, before I met Sir and discovered that it was TOTALLY OKAY to feel like this, I had far too many awkward moments with my teenaged boyfriend, C. Granted, we had huge emotional problems, but as my desire for submission became more and more defined, it was harder for me to tolerate having vanilla sex. Don’t get me wrong! I love vanilla sex. But I became more and more curious about BDSM and desperately wanted some sort of indicator that it was okay to be like this. I didn’t know how to communicate it. The only reason I say it was hard for me to tolerate vanilla sex is because I very, very badly wanted to have D/s, BDSM sex even once. Just once.
It became this really horrible give and take situation. There were a billion things he wanted to try, like any teenaged boy with a girlfriend who happens to be a bit more sexual than most. Some of them I tolerated, some I just downright disliked. I didn’t -hate- anything. There were some that I found a little strange at the time, but I don’t anymore. Things like titfucking (when I’m barely a B cup) and giving him a footjob after he watched me give myself a pedicure, I approached with an open mind. I was less happy about fucking in the woods, only because I wasn’t getting any pleasure from it and frankly, we were too close to civilization for me to relax fully. (What’s ironic is that Sir keeps alluding to playing in the woods, and a few years later, I’m totally game on for it.) I was also less happy about fucking in cars and fucking in weird locations, only because we got busted by the cops once and they almost hauled him off on stautory rape because I didn’t have a state ID on me. It didn’t help that he LOOKED older than 18 and the cops thought I looked closer to 14 or 15.
In the midst of all this, I felt like what I wanted would just be seen as completely crazy. Being tied up and slapped, spanked and throatfucked, being made to cry and then orgasming while I’m still crying… you get the picture. It was like it was MORE culturally acceptable for me to fulfill his wishes, then for him to help me fill mine.
Around this time, one of his friends had approached C and I in confidence; one night after fucking his own girlfriend, and experimenting with spanking her, she HAD started crying. He was horrified and so was C, and I had to sit and pretend that I hadn’t masturbated the night before to being hit until I cried and being fucked anyway.
Of course, we experimented. Really awkward experiments. He blindfolded me, and tied me to the headboard of his bed, NOT from my suggestion, mind you. His own. He didn’t quite know what to do with me, and he did not want to hit me at all. I had to do the same to him, tie him up and blindfold him and THAT was EXCEPTIONALLY awkward. I hadn’t a fucking idea what to do with him. It was extremely uncomfortable. Then I would go home and masturbate in the dark of my room, under the covers.
So there is this downside to having this sort of advanced knowledge. You know what you want, and it’s just out of reach. You watch porn, read erotica, even troll craigslist and look at the ads of people. To reach it would involve cheating, or leaving the person you’re with. For a good two years, those weren’t options.
Then I decided it was an option. To cheat.
