the aftermath
So, for the most part, the rut has been broken. Sir spanked me, roughed me up, and slapped my face. All things I was craving, but things I didn’t realize I was actually craving.
He made me cry. He slapped me to tears. He would tell me later that He could sense that I wanted to cry, that I craved the release. He made me put my hands above my head and slapped me, repeatedly. I think this has turned into an almost failsafe way to make me cry. He slapped my face over and over until the tears came to my eyes. Then even after they fell, He kept going. I was crying, sobbing openly, my hands above my head, so I couldn’t wipe the tears away. He kissed my cheeks, his lips immersed in my tears. At first, I didn’t know why I was crying. Then I did feel a tug inside me, something tearing away gently, a barrier of frustration and anger, and I just let go.
I said it again, as I sobbed, “I missed you so much.”
I *sort of* know why we were in a rut to begin with. Real life was getting the both of us down; friend in the hospital (Sir) and extremely stressful finals (for me) and those things made both of us tired and worn out. All we wanted to do was cuddle with each other, and fall asleep. No long scenes in a while, no canings, some pain, but not as much as before. Both of our sex drives were out of whack, and we both felt ‘off’.
What worried me was about two weeks ago when I just plain felt angry and frustrated, as evidenced from my post two weeks ago. I felt like I was on such a short fuse, I was just angry angry angry. And I had no interest in sex, or masturbating, or thinking about anything BDSM related. Sir was worried. I had zero percent interest in the contract, or my submissive training coming up. What was more distressing was the fact that I just felt SO disgusted with my body, and SO mad at myself and SO ordinary and fat. I would brush off any compliments Sir gave me.
While in some ways, the rut gloom has broken, I’m still a little messed up. I’m having a harder time orgasming lately. It feels wonderful to be touched and licked and to have my clit rubbed, but while Sir and I were ‘reconnecting’ that gloomy Tuesday morning, I just could not orgasm. I would get frustratingly close, but then not be able to go over the edge. Of course, Sir was determined to make me orgasm (“You’re not leaving here until you orgasm.” He said) and I did, later on, when He was fucking me.
I suspect one of the reasons I was orgasm challenged, besides the whole rut thing, is the fact that I’m not exactly comfortable with oral sex being performed on me. It feels great, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just… I’m not one hundred percent relaxed with it. I’m totally and utterly comfortable giving blowjobs, that’s not a problem for me at all. I adore sucking Sir’s cock. That’s not it. I just feel so… awkward, receiving oral sex. Self-conscious. My ex-boyfriends weren’t really keen on giving me oral sex. Maybe I’m just not used to it? I don’t know. I understand it’s not really dominant to lick a submissive’s pussy, but… sigh. I have a hard time articulating what feels good and what doesn’t, and a hard time relaxing enough to actually orgasm.
That cloud of awful self esteem is still hanging around me. I still don’t think I’m anything that Sir thinks I am. He compliments me and tells me I’m beautiful, sexy, extraordinary… and I don’t believe a lick of it. Sometimes it makes me cry, which I feel awful about because, well, compliments are supposed to make you feel good! When he says those things on IM, I just type something like, “well, I don’t think so” or “you have to say that kind of thing” or even just a simple “meh”. I don’t know why my self esteem took such a nosedive in the past couple of weeks.
At least now I have an interest in pain, BDSM and sex again, despite my orgasm difficulties. I have a craving for bruises, but I feel like my pain tolerance has been shot to hell. I haven’t been caned in weeks, clamped in even longer. I had pretty/freaky/cool looking bruises on my breasts when Sir slapped them hard. I liked having my breasts slapped.
I have a training session lined up for next week. Three days. I’m looking forward to it, so much. We’ve been talking about it for ages. Sir has been very mysterious about what’s going to happen. I’m very excited.
So things are better than before, but still not one hundred percent.
