uneasiness
I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to talk about TESfest. Maybe because I don’t know where to start. This is going to be a short post, but I will definitely talk about it soon.
I’m collared. I’m a slave. And yet I still have this fear telling Sir what I fantasize about.
Every day, I send Sir my plan for the day. Every day, I have to do one act that reaffirms my place as property, slave and pet.
- Update this blog.
- Exercise.
- Write a sex fantasy.
- Go to His apartment and clean.
I thought that once I was collared, this fear would go away. That I could tell Him all my sexual fantasies and not be embarrassed. But I still get embarrassed! Why? Why am I so shy? Why am I so afraid that His desire for me is easily influenced and swayed?
I should be secure in my collar and chains, secure that He loves me and wants to train me, hurt me, own me.
I know it’s vestiges of my last relationship, where “I love you” could be taken away in a second. But I’m past that.
I’m with someone I trust with my life. But I worry and fret over telling Him what I masturbate about. I wish I could be more open. Slave guilt. I have this worry of being judged. Of being seen as… perverse. Dirty. But those are qualities that Sir likes. And whenever I DO tell Him what I think about…
He always thinks it’s hot.
Maybe I should do that sex fantasy slave task more often. Force myself to open my mind up for Him, let Him see inside.
