apathy.
Today I discovered new stretch marks.
Remember that weird fearlessness I had being naked in public for my first rope suspension? Um, yeah, I think that’s gone for now. I don’t want to be naked at Folsom Fringe.
I haven’t been a very good pet. I’ve been having a terrible time doing my tasklists, eating everything I shouldn’t be, not blogging or exercising. The truth is, I’m exhausted, worn out, stressed, and I keep pushing myself forward. Rather than be angry that I have to do my slave tasks, I just don’t do them. I adopt this sort of apathy towards myself and my slave tasks.
No apathy towards Sir, though. Sir’s emails and BlackBerry messages keep me going throughout the day. I slept in the apartment twice this week, but we were both so exhausted and out of it and just weird. I didn’t sleep very well, and I admitted it to Sir over the phone last night.
I just become apathetic towards my tasks and don’t send pictures or my food emails or my tasklists. My apathy towards myself is reflected in not showering, not eating right, not exercising, not taking time for myself to blog, think, write, relax.
I intern. I intern for a media/public relations firm. I intern three days a week. I’m a full time student, four classes, four days a week. I have homework. I’m a College Democrat. I’m aiming for a high GPA in case I want to go to graduate school.
Despite my apathy, I’m ashamed of myself. Ashamed of the weight I’m obviously gaining if I have stretch marks, ashamed that I was a good little pet during the summer and that now, it’s going to shit. I don’t know how to get myself out of this. If I were to be punished for everything I haven’t done over the last two weeks, I don’t know if I would be grateful or if I’d cry and hate myself more. I’ve been worrying over my punishment and how I’m going to react.
I just don’t feel attractive, I don’t feel like a good submissive pet, I don’t want to undress in front of anyone at Folsom Fringe, and I don’t even feel uncomfortable undressing in front of Sir right now. I want to cover myself up with sweatpants and my East Coast University sweatshirt.
I’m also a little emotional and spooked because someone in one of my Communications classes called me out on my collar.
I’m depressed and moody. I feel grotesque. I feel like a bad submissive. I feel like a bad submissive because I know I should be punished for all I haven’t done, deep down, and I know that I also really don’t want it, and I feel like I’ll hate myself either way. I don’t know what to do. I also feel like I’m letting my Sir down by being this awful.
I don’t know, I don’t know. I thought I lost my laptop power cord last night and I almost had a complete meltdown.
Ugh. I should just drink myself into a stupor and pass out for the night so I can stop worrying and obsessing like this.
