reconnection on a sunday night
I find it ironic that I’m a communications major sometimes, considering the problems I have with communicating my feelings. I study and analyze how people communicate. How advertising communicates what we as a society find important. I study phone sex. (I have to do a presentation on phone sex in my Human Communication class in three weeks… I officially love my major even more.) I study how people communicate in video games. My specialty is going to be international communications.
So why can’t I communicate to the person that I trust with everything? Why do I hold back my communication about my feelings? Why can’t I just be honest about how I feel? I mean, fuck, Mark knows everything about me.
I don’t know why I forget this one, simple fact; BDSM can’t exist without a connection.
I grew up in an age of increasing isolation. I grew up with AOL, literally. I had two computers when I was five, I remember my father writing out DOS run commands for me and taping them to my computer desk. I once bid AND WON a Beanie Baby on eBay when I was in middle school. I was more comfortable IMing than having real communications with people. I was in a long term, emotionally abusive relationship where real, true communication was mocked. So was Mark. We were both told in different ways that our feelings don’t matter.
I seem to be an amnesiac when it comes to the important of communication, because when I don’t feel connected with Mark, all my desires to submit fall away like petals from a flower ripped from a bush, fluttering at my feet. I feel flat.
