things i don’t want to say pt 2, and resolutions
Blah blah, New Year, blah blah, changes, blah.
I know every blogger out there is writing these wrap up posts, looking back at the year and looking forward to 2009.
I have no huge regrets for 2008. None. I have a few small ones, embarrassing moments that I could have gone without, poor decisions. On a whole, I’m amazingly pleased with how much I’ve developed as a person and as a submissive.
Despite how uncertain our relationship seems at the moment, I love Mark very much and I would not take back anything that we did. “Your love woke me up. It healed me.” He said, during one of our text messaging conversations. His love did the same for me, woke me up out of the three year sleep I was in.
We had an incredible year together; San Francisco trips, two BDSM gatherings (Folsom Fringe and TESfest), two contracts, dozens of scenes and thousands of hugs, kisses, and text messages between us.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I have a few resolutions.
- Have anal sex. My tiny Asian body tends to reject any sort of object going into my ass, silicone or otherwise. I have to be patient enough to let this happen.
- Cook more.
- RELAX! and manage my time better.
Below is the continuation and conclusion of my other post, Things I Don’t Want to Say, about a scene that Sir and I had when our contract ended.
Sir looked at me evenly. I was still naked and my hands were still bound.
We eased into the pain. It’s all a blur.
I was still chained to the radiator, my hands and my collar were chained up. He started off just pinching and slapping my breasts and pinching certain parts of my inner thigh very, very hard. (Which really does hurt!) He was a little tentative, going slow, making sure that I was okay with it. I think He could sense that I wanted the pain so I would stop thinking for a bit, get me out of my mind and back with Him.
After He started warming me up for the pain, He gently pushed the yellow, soft, stretchy ball gag into my mouth. “I need to see your eyes this time, pet. I want you to look at me.” I nodded.
He went through all of the canes. He started off with the dense, heavy, wooden cane that we received as a prize at Folsom Fringe. He pinched and bit down on my nipples, my skin, and I started moaning through the gag. I wasn’t thinking any more, just feeling; what I needed and exactly what I wanted. He lifted my legs up, revealing my ass and swatting me with the heavy cane. (I happen to really like that position.)
He pushed me up onto my hands and knees and brought out the two smaller canes, the thin rubber/metal one and the rattan cane. The metal one is the worst. It’s pretty much like being hit with a car antenna. He pushed my pain limits to the absolute maximum, switching between light rhythmic stinging swipes and hard strikes that brought me crashing onto the bed. “Get up! Get up or I’ll hit you harder. Pet, get up.” He said loudly, giving me time to compose myself.
I didn’t want it to stop. I started moving my body, back and forth, almost as if I was silently asking Him to hurt me more. Rocking my body back and forth, side to side, to deal with the pain. I never, ever do that.
“You are so beautiful like this.” He said, unzipping His pants. He stood back and watched me move before starting to strike my ass again. My arms were rigid straight and I clenched my eyes shut, just thinking about getting through the pain. I felt connected, I felt something, something real. I was in this moment again, not trapped in my past with a boyfriend who never thought I was good enough or pretty enough or sexy enough. I was in the present with a man who loved me and thought I was absolutely perfect the way I am.
He stood back and watched the welts come up on my skin. He was touching Himself, looking at my ass. “Fuck, you are so fucking beautiful.” I could hear footsteps as He took a few long strides over to the drawer where He kept protection. “I need you, I need to use you right now, just like this, stay like that. On your knees.”
The bed creaked and dipped as He lined up behind me and pushed me down so my ass was in the air. As He put His hands on my ass and hips, I groaned in pain. “This is going to hurt, pet, but you can take this, you’ll take this.” He sank into me and I moaned, the warm skin on His hips hitting the hot skin of my ass. He was using me hard, incensed by the beating I’d gotten. Hard crashing thrusts that made pain shoot up my spine. I couldn’t orgasm with all of that pain, but He came hard, panting into my hair.
“I love you.” He was kissing the side of my neck, my cheek. I would have said it back, had I not still been gagged.
“You need to come. You definitely need to have an orgasm.” He turned me over and the chains made delightful clinking noises as I settled onto my back, my hands up near my face. I was relaxed now.
He took out the Hitachi and turned it on low, curling up next to me. He was relaxed, too.
I am very particular about how I use vibrators. I prefer to have them be in that one perfect spot, as opposed to rubbing all over my pussy. Even tiny pocket rockets have that small sweet spot where they are in that absolute perfect place. Thus, it makes it very frustrating to be gagged, desperate to come, and have someone else holding your vibrator. Sir sensed that I really wanted an orgasm after the beating and after my little break down earlier in the evening. Finally, the gag was yanked out of my mouth. It hung around my neck, wet with spit. I told Him where to put, to stop moving it, to concentrate it on one place.
I was still flush with adrenaline and I couldn’t relax into the Hitachi, let my mind go. Sir pressed Himself against me and I concentrated on His skin against mine. My hands were still bound.
Then I could feel the licks of pleasure starting, all the way down at my toes. I moaned, losing myself in the feeling. It intensified, more, more, more and I was orgasming, I was crying out. I felt so much relief, relief down to my bones.
Then it stopped for a split second.
Then it started again.
I was moaning and bucking again, not believing that it was still going. (No, I don’t know if I squirted.) I caught Sir’s eye and He was watching this unfold, watching me unfurl in front of Him.
Suddenly, I was seized by the exquisite agony of another release and I suddenly felt like I was going to cry with relief, as if someone in me had been held inside so long, crying was the most natural way to express myself. I really don’t know how to adequately describe it. I wasn’t overcome with despair or in pain or anything. Something in my brain just said, “Oh, this new thing is happening! Fuck, what am I supposed to feel, what are we supposed to tell her to do?! Quick, maybe she should start crying. Tears, STAT!”
Before I could start crying, I started hysterically laughing. It was a really crazy moment, a total loss of control. My head was spinning, my heart was pumping and I couldn’t stop laughing and smiling and laughing again. Just orgasms that kept going in waves. Sir said, afterward, that I smiling so hard.
“It’s not stopping. It’s not stopping! Oh my god, it just keeps going!” I cried out, the wand still going, my body moving, moving, moving, my pussy clenching over and over.
I was just absolutely helpless, rocketed into euphoria, moving back and forth. He took the wand away and I was still shaking, glowing, full of energy and life. I kept saying over and over again that I had multiple orgasmed, and I was giddy at the prospect.
I was practically trembling afterwards as I was laying there. I was hyper and absolutely high on adrenaline.
After I calmed down, Sir and I talked about the communication breakdown that happened. I have my own thoughts about it, but this post is long enough.
I don’t remember falling asleep, but I remember Sir holding me throughout the night.
