losing my way
I don’t know what is heads or tails anymore.
My posts on here and my drafts in Wordpress are all scattered and nonsensical. I climb into bed with Mark at night and have random hysterical crying fits. Our relationship is hitting a rough patch and we had a lot of hard discussions about our future, and about us. I don’t really know what’s going on anymore and I’m not at all secure.
I’m not collared, and we tried talking about contracts and protocol last night and I started hysterically crying.
I need to regroup. I need to fix this blog, bring it back into focus. I need to get myself back together.
I spent this New Year’s Eve being a normal college girl, eating jello shots, drinking beer and playing Halo. I’m back in University housing, which means I’m also back to sneaking away to spend time with Mark. We’ve spent the last two days together, and there’s a sweetness and a slowness to us. We’ve been cuddling on the couch, spooning each other in bed and sleeping in until 11 in the morning.
I’m really struggling. I’m really having a hard time. I get hit with random, unexpected bouts of anxiety that sap away any sort of urge to be submissive. I become anxious and I curl up into a ball on the bed, I shrink away from Mark’s hands.
I feel like I’ve fallen flat on my back and had security and stability yanked out of my hands the moment the collar left my neck. I know that’s stupid. But I feel ridiculously off-kilter.
I need to smooth out my jagged edges. I need to get myself back together. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m flailing around out here, hoping someone will find me and bring me home. I guess you could say. . . I feel lost.
