One Saturday night, a few weeks ago, I sent Mark a message over BlackBerry IM.

Delilah: I had this totally bizarre thought of getting my anger out by beating you up. But that’s too weird!
Mark: I thought of that too. Letting you beat me.
Mark: If you think it would help. . .I would totally do it.

We took the plunge and did it.

We decided to explore something new. I topped Mark.

Relationship problems had left both of us feeling angry, guilty, frustrated and upset. Mark lied to me about certain things. I hid my emotions from him and that made the problems escalate. The straw that broke the camel’s back was that Mark and I were apart a lot, due to his travel for work. We scrambled to figure out a way to reconnect to each other.

I thought of topping him. I suggested it, a sort of “haha, wouldn’t it be funny” idea. I never thought he would actually be behind it.

Why did I want to switch?

I wanted to experience something new. I wanted to please Mark. I was fucking curious.
I wanted to reconnect to Mark on a whole different level.

Mark is a “switch”. I use quotes because I know he has his own thoughts on how he defines his sexuality. He usually submits to men, but has submit to women before. Usually, when he submits, he looks for a male Dominant.

When he does submit to someone else, it doesn’t bother me. On FetLife, some women expressed real despair at the thought of their Masters submitting to someone else.

However, I think it’s fucking hot to watch Mark be in pain. Really, really hot.

I don’t doubt that I’m a submissive. This isn’t some sort of crisis where I sit around wonder whether I’m really submissive or not. I’m a submissive. Whether or not I have a healthy, sustaining interest in learning how to top, is another story. I don’t know if I could top anyone else but Mark right now.

I’ve never felt comfortable making a grand statement such as, “I have a submissive heart/soul/whatever”.  I don’t think I’m a 100 percent “I will ALWAYS BE A SUBMISSIVE” type of girl.

I’ve been presented opportunities to top before. I’ve been approached by men (while uncollared) who have asked if I would be willing to top them. I always sent them away, wailing to Mark on the phone that “I just don’t know WHAT TO DO with them!”

But with Mark, I feel safe. I feel secure. I know Mark. I know Mark’s body. I can communicate with him. I have more of a sense of what he wants, what he needs and what I should do.

Plus, now I have a year and a half of being a bottom under my belt.

That’s not to say that I didn’t hesitate a hell of a lot before I actually walked into the room and gave my first order. I think I paced around the bedroom for at least twenty minutes before I came out and got Mark.

Mark once told me that I would make a cute little top. That I have this slightly demented, cute thing going on. I dressed my part. Pink American Apparel socks, a black polo, pink and white panties with pink glitter polka dots and jeans.

I didn’t wear pigtails. (Though I’ll confess I’ve had more than one daydream about wearing a schoolgirl outfit and topping someone. Hahahaha.) I kept my socks on.

I was tentative at first. I didn’t trust my instincts as a top. I was not a service top, because I wasn’t taking orders from Mark on how to hurt him.

I think my favorite thing to do right now is tit torture. I love watching him squirm in pain. It’s just so BEAUTIFUL. Just the way he moves and the way he moans and whimpers and how his knuckles turn white yanking down on the chains. . .

I did it again last night. I used little wooden clothespins. I put them on his nipples and around his nipples. I cuffed his hands, but I was a teeny bit tipsy from a few drinks, so I erred on the side of safe and didn’t lock them. I slowly placed the clamps on his tits.

Then I took my finger, and flicked at the clothespin.

flick

He yelped in pain.

flick

He yelped and twisted again. His cock surged, raging and hard.

flick flick flick flick flick

“Fuck! Fuck!” He was whimpering and bucking his hips. “Fuck, it still hurts!”

flick flick flick

“Touch me, please touch me, please touch me!” He was begging.

I would touch him a little bit, or drag my tongue along his cock.  I kept playing with the clamps. Then I started stroking his cock faster and faster and pretty soon he was orgasming all over the place.

I’ve used the butterfly clamps on his nipples and yanked up on the chain while he was laying down. I just like the way he looks when I’m clamping his nipples, and it always makes me really wet.

I’ve also used the cane on him. I left welts! I left welts on his ass! I cannot even tell you how ridiculously happy that made me. I actually GIGGLED when he text messaged me that he could feel the welts the next day.

I’m really excited by all of this. It’s another way to love Mark. It’s another way to connect to him.

Seeing him submit to me or seeing him take pain does not mess with our D/s dynamic at all. It doesn’t “ruin” him for me. It’s revealed to me this whole other side of him that’s absolutely gorgeous. A side I never would have seen if I hadn’t made that off-the-cuff suggestion.

I know that some submissives try topping their dominants and that it sometimes doesn’t end well. But this works for Mark and I. It works wonderfully.

I’m still his pet and his slut and his property. I don’t doubt that. Not one bit.

This is just something new to explore, together.